Mak Sayang

Dearest Mak,

It must have been hard for you to leave me behind back then. I now know how difficult it can get to part with the baby that you have carried for 9 gruelling months, only to be separated from you not long after you've only held her for 3 months. I can't even bear the thought of Aishah not sleeping in the same room with me for one miserable night. But you had no other choice, and it is not my place to question your decision.

I now know that you've had to do it for the sake of my survival. Life for you as a student in your early 20s was hard enough at the time, what with the challenges undergraduate studies, as newlyweds at that, being away from home and all. It was difficult even for you to have a proper meal on the table, what more provide for a baby. I am not bitter anymore, because now I know better. I wrote this for you some time ago, to tell you that I can see things better now.

Kepulanganmu

dikira boleh mengubat rindu

separuh gila berendam sendu

berjauhan dengan aku

disambut gerombolan bengis

mematikan bunga pencak langkahmu

pecah impian merangkul puteri

terbit dan menegang urat serikandi

tak dijemput masuk disua penumbuk

Kau yang tak ku kenali

mengapa kau datang sini

seolah mahu membawaku lari

jauh dari konco-koncoku ini

si comot berlari lari

dalam tempayan ia bersembunyi

setelah lama dicari-cari

disental bersih bersabun mandi

Dalam bingung ada cemas

istana aku dibungkus kemas

meronta-ronta aku yang lemas

dirangkul dipeluk ketat dan kemas

macam kambing takut terlepas

Tika itu ku duniaku berpusing-pusing

konco-konco bengis amarah makin melenting

aku kau bawa jua ke tempat asing

Menitik air mata wanita itu

yang ku kenal sebagai ratu

parah terpanah bisa lidahmu

dari itu aku tutup pintu hatiku

takkan ada ruang buatmu

menagih kasih dan simpatiku

tak terbiasa dengan gerak langkahmu

hingga kini kau sangat asing bagiku

Bila aku sendiri yang melahirkan

naluri yang aneh tapi mengasyikkan

baru terhampar cerita yang membenarkan

gagahnya serikandi bila kasih berantakan

dikala senja baru kesampaian

ampunkanlah aku si budak comot

tangan diikat kepala dipasung

diracun-racun fikiran kolot

menafikan matamu cahaya yang sulung

Baru jelas hikayat pedang dan panah

naluri aneh srikandi barirah

dari sudut pandangan nazrah

I had a vivid dream a few days ago. I dreamt that I was out with Baya (my sis), looking frantically for you, we were on a beach somewhere, suddenly the sky went so dark as if someone turned out the lights. I just remembered that we managed to round up everyone yet you were not in the picture at all. I remember running and running until I woke up sweating only to realize it was just an ugly dream. And a day after that I got a message from Baya that our mother has a greater battle to fight, with a new recurrence your lungs, reportedly progressive. We are praying hard that it won't get to your blood stream, bones and brain. I was crushed upon hearing the latest about you before I went back to see you. But quickly changed my mind, when I saw your sweet, sweet smile.

It is amazing that you were the one who had the rights words to reassure me, and how unperturbed you look, as if nothing was seriously wrong inside your body while I had to fight back tears as not to spoil the mood. It is so apparent who's the stronger person here. I guess you will be okay. I am reminded of Uja's words, that all of us ought to celebrate your life, make the best of the time we have with you and not think about losing our loved ones. That's just, plainly, not our business to poke out cute lil noses in. I could see how cancer has brought our family closer, and altered our set of beliefs that there are things we cannot change and control. But we can always make the best with what we have. Allah has big plans. Great big plans for the people that He loves.

So today, let's celebrate your life, Mak. You are positivity personified. The story of your life may not always be sugarcoated, but you've always come out valiant and triumphant. Happy Birthday, Mak sayang. May Allah bless us all with a lifetime of good things and a grander life in the Hereafter. The Grand Design is a meticulous one, but there is a light. May we all find that light. Amin.